Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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