wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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