he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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