The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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