I like my sex mixed with concussions.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
