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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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