Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
