Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
