I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So much rum. So many feels.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
