this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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