Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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