Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
