I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
