girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
