weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
