please come you make the beer taste better
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
