is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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