and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
