Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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