We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
They took my balls.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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