he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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