He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you will always have a special place in my vag
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
