I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
