Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
