he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
