I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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