12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
