You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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