yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
