it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
