Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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