There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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