Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Found your dick twin last night
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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