I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
