I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
