I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
