she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
