i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
