i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is Oprah even human
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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