he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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