He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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