where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
A bitchslap is in order.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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