did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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