omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
third nipple confirmed
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
