You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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