The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Couch. On fire.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
