i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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