he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
