The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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