and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
