I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
