On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
