I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
