And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
