Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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