I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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