I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize