Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
