So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
