at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
