I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
