I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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