Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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