I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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