Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
